I walk into the cafeteria...and hear a voice "hey man how ya doing....how was the test...oooh see that girl....." the mind starts functioning the blood starts clogging up in a section of my head...it has started ....I am shaky not knowing an answer which anybody of my age would know...”hey madhu”, a girl takes a peek at my table, “ got the assignment done?” and I give a blank stare all the while telling her to get the hell out of there. I am suffering in here ...contradictions...fighting against an unknown enemy and not knowing whether it is the enemy ....where did all this start ...I was living like everybody else ...playing a game of cricket in the weekend, pestering for a movie....looking at the new comics and then get a corner in the daily bus and get all wound up over it...as far as I remember it all started when I saw a heap of leaves gathered at a spot...they weren't there all those days...those leaves were under my legs, an assurance that I would not fall and that they would sail me to my destination peacefully… until then after which, a fear developed what if those leaves were plucked and shoved away from my life will I lose my way even before I know about it.
this tinge of anxiety exponentiates every second ...why is that one should perform when one does not want to be the player...who has organized this big crime against themselves that billions have fell into...a brilliant trap that many fall from the womb into it and are swallowed, ingested, digested and all their energy is taken up for a purpose unknown. I guess I realised this when I was half way through and decided to climb out of it and only to find that here is where my destiny might lie and I am now stranded with no where to go. the moon looks good but better behind a tree... the sun is bright but- for me to see it should be behind the clouds, the peacocks make u feel elated but only when the sky is overcast and it is about to rain...the rainbow is beautiful but it is all the more great when we do not have the sun shining on its path after the rain ...so many ifs and buts....too many wantings and everything is a permutation of what is available....all the needs are fed and again ingested by generations and one's waste is another’s source of energy ...after some time....eons have passed man names these as deceptive visions, material pleasure and Maya but still loves it cherishes it and it is an irony that he earns the same by his discourses against it! and suddenly I go void and I surge below so deep and all my anger dries out...just like that...in a moment where was all that vigor that I had a second ago and am I being conquered periodically by this fate...it says," ah boy come on...I had been on a holiday, decided to take a day off of u and you start defying me ...lets go for a ride get in.. else be left out". Left out? left out of what? left out of these trains that go back and forth under the control of tiny tots ...we are similar to them why don't we raise against this little heads why do we traverse thru the same tracks again and again thru the same roads. on the way we yearn and earn for some to tag along to abuse and adore them whenever we feel like and all these feelings being controlled by this train driver...who is he? he changes color so often...he was my mom first and then when she smiled and understood there were limits he disappeared from her and then from then on he began to haunt me… wanted me to get on his bogey and ride with him ...his face brings the wrath in me and then is overwhelmed into fear when he again looks at me and then I nod to take the seat but only for a short time
But then I am my own enemy now....and its all the more frustrating that even though it is within me I am not able to figure out its strategies ...plop and he is not vanishing he persists and he dominates me to get out of that running train just jump and fall onto the sands beyond ....I am not able to get up as my fellow victim gives me a smile...what if he is a clairvoyant and is the driver. he should be enjoying. A villain he is ...seeing his puppet fear, shake and with all anger it taunts itself with.
And then your head cannot take it anymore it flows through your eyes emanating that fear that rather becomes your defense...people ask me what happened to u are u feeling okay? no dammit I have been like this sedated as a saturnine bloke for years that I cannot remember nor can I recall when this all started....
and I can't share it because it is something that is spewing out of me out....every atom in me ....spewing as gusts of sighs and morning toothpastes and then I gurgle with vigor .....prevent choking and then the grand finale happens he reaches your stomach and I recoil as a blow is given and I am like a smothered cookie....
I walk into the cafeteria and the glass of water stands still like the few moments before my brain had started actually function ...and then as if it were like me, first the drop sways and slides on the surface on the glass and it will also have its share of the pit feeling in the stomach when it hits the table...my face becomes a weak wrinkle and I want to say it and get it out of my system, get some of the drops out of me as the glass could do and I muster up the courage and with all the strength that chokes up all the way to my throat and comes out adding a few ounces to the already persisting tonne in my head and I whisper, " I am tired and tired of it all!"
I caution myself not to say it aloud. That would wake up the ones seated around me and they would be on my back pestering with all those heard and reheard questions. That will make me feel all the more worse and last but not the least I say it within myself with a very meek voice lest the driver should know where I am and take me for a ride.
A child nearby cries to his father and asks him to take him for a ride. Believe me there is a lot of difference between me and him because sometime in the past I used to love rides...a past that I am not able to recall… its all vague...its not dark or sullen now, everything is bright and some may say that I am out of my mind...no dear its all in the mind.. that’s the whole problem...as for the others… all these are floating in the air for them to take it in and become one of them and they aid the driver in hunting me. will I be found?